there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
A bitchslap is in order.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
