I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize