Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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