Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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