You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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