I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
