saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
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I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
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Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize