I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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