things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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