I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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