also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
