i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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