my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
