It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar