Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
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He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
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I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.