I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
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Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
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She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket