at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dating After Heartbreak
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag