I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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