Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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