Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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