dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
