I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
