i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The best revenge is premature balding
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
