me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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