My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
