the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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