imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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