Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
