i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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