so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
