I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize