I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
