I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
