I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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