He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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