phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
