Please, let me fuck your mom
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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