Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
