Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Welp...herpes.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
