Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
