Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
