I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
