She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
