there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
