his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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