chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
