so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
