Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
