he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
