Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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