i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
