the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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