You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
