i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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