yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
