Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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