Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
