I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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