it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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