I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
