yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
