At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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