Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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