toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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