If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
